My Scale Is Making Me Fat

This morning I had to have an in home physical done for life insurance purposes. I’ve never had anyone perform any kind of exam on me in any place other than a doctor’s office or hospital so I really wasn’t sure what to expect.

Were they going to cart in a bunch of equipment? Bring in an exam table? Would I be able to wear my own clothes or would they bring one of those little gowns to change into? Would it be a woman? Or a man?

I didn’t think I’d be comfortable with a strange man coming to my house when I was alone and making me change out of my clothes. I’m just sayin’.

I didn’t need to worry though, because it was a lady and she let me keep my clothes on.

However.

It was still probably the most awkward physical I’ve ever been through.

For starters, she had to ask me a series of uncomfortable questions. You know the questions you usually answer in the waiting room? On a sheet of paper? Not verbally?

Well, evidently she couldn’t just hand me the sheet and let me check “Yes” or “No” on my own. She had to verbalize the questions and even though the answer to every one was “No” I could feel myself blushing.

“Have you ever been diagnosed with any of the following: {insert long list of s*xually transmitted diseases}”

No

“Are you on your menstrual cycle?”

Um, goodness, we’re getting personal here.

“Do you use illegal drugs?”

No! {And do people really answer yes to that question, even if they are?}

Not only that but as we neared the end, I got the distinct impression that she felt like I was lying to her.

“Do you consume any alcohol?”

No.

Pauses. Looks up over glasses. “Any AL-CO-HOL. As in wine, beer…any at all?”

No.

Eyebrow raise. “Ohhh-kay…”

After we finished with the never-ending-list-of-impossibly-awkward-questions, she asked my height and then SHE PULLED OUT A SCALE!

It was then that I had the horrible realization that she was going to weigh me.

In my living room.

After Christmas.

With a full bladder.

And all my clothes on.

I almost couldn’t bear to look, but my curiosity got the better of me…and I was shocked.

Her scale had me weighing in a full ELEVEN POUNDS less than my scale. LESS! After Christmas! With a full bladder! And all my clothes on!

“I like your scale,” I said {understatement of the year}

She asked me if I had a digital scale and I said yes and she then proceeded to tell me that they weren’t ALLOWED to use digital scales because they “aren’t as accurate” and that her scale was calibrated with the scale at the doctor’s office and if it gets “even a little bit off” she has to throw it away and buy a new one.

In other wards….HER SCALE WAS RIGHT!

I’m not gonna lie to you…when she left, I did a little happy dance.

And then I ate some chocolate.