As I write this Dave and I are exactly 3 hours and 32 minutes away from celebrating our sixth year of marriage. And while this last year probably won’t be the hardest we will experience, it certainly was not the easiest.
It has been fraught with all kinds of stress and pressure.
A year of changes.
A year that has tested the bounds of our endurance in nearly every arena – physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.
It has also been a year of reflection – for both of us – on marriage.
And – can I just say something? I guess it’s my blog, so I don’t really have to ask, huh?
It’s just…there’s been something that’s been bugging me…something God has been continually laying on my heart time and time again throughout the past year.
I am getting tired – really, really tired – of this notion of “falling in love” and “finding your soulmate.”
Yeah. I said it.
As if love is some fickle emotion that you have no control over, and as if marriage will be a piece of cake as long as you just “find the right person”.
Please don’t misunderstand me – romance, chemistry, physical attraction – they have their place. They are what initially drew us together and are something we continually seek to keep alive in our marriage.
But this notion – this myth – that sustaining a lifetime commitment to another person somehow hinges on your ability to find “the one”; this idea that finding your “soulmate” is the key to a long and happy marriage?
That’s a lie straight from the pit.
The truth is, we were never meant to find our fulfillment in anyone other than Jesus Christ. And marriage is not intended to be the source of our ultimate happiness, but rather a tool for perfecting our holiness. If you go into it expecting anything else, I promise you, you will be disappointed.
Looking at marriage through the lens of holiness…put marriage in a new perspective for me. In fact, it has led me to believe that couples don't really fall "out of love." I think it's more precise to say they fall out of repentance. What usually happens is that we let little vices— like impatience, disrespect, selfishness, pride, and anger— pollute a once-precious relationship. Instead of letting marriage draw us into holiness, we let it draw us into bitterness and accusation.
Gary Thomas
Suppose I told you that I had just “fallen out of love” with my children. Wouldn’t that sound ridiculous? We would never speak of our love for our children in those terms, why then do we so flippantly apply them to our relationship with our spouse?
Sadly, it is common to hear married people speak of “falling out of love” with their spouse and “falling in love” with someone else in adultery. By using the language of “falling,” people are cleverly avoiding any responsibility, as if they are simply required to follow their heart. However, the Bible tells us not to follow our heart, but rather “guard” it because it is prone toward selfishness and sin .
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Six years ago, we made a commitment. A covenant. And Lord willing, "as long as we both shall live,” we want that covenant to be “the ground where the flower grows.” We may not always “feel” love, but we will not allow our deceitful, desperately wicked hearts to be our guide.
“It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”
{Dietrich Bonhoeffer}
Lord, let our marriage covenant sustain our love for as many more years as You choose to give us on this earth!
**An just as an aside…contrary to what some of you might be inferring from this blog post, the romance is not dead in our marriage. If I may put it delicately…we still like making babies together
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