Perspective

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down and tried to write this post and failed. I think in part because it involves some things I’m thinking that are deeply personal and I’m a little bit leery of putting that out there for all to see – afraid of being misunderstood.

And maybe partly because I’m not entirely certain anyone will really care all that much about what I have to say here, but – here goes.

The other day my mother-in-law asked me, “So, are you just getting so excited to have a new little baby at your house again?”

And I hesitated.

Because in all honesty, the answer to that question right now is…no. Not completely.

Now, hear me out.

This baby is something we both prayed and planned for. We want to have more than one child – in fact we’d like a whole houseful of them, if the Lord allows. This pregnancy did not come as a surprise. We felt {and still feel} like we are ready to add to our family, and we are thrilled at the way the Lord has blessed us.

But if I’m being real – and I want to be real here – I was not a big fan of the newborn phase.

Lily was a…difficult baby. She cried. A lot. In fact, the first couple of months it seemed like if she wasn’t eating or sleeping, she was crying. Wouldn’t take a pacifier. Overall, I think she just didn’t really adapt to change all that well. And let’s face it, being born? Is kind of a big change.

She wanted to sleep during the day and be awake at night, and really what kind of people were we trying to change up her schedule like that?

To make matters worse, it seemed like anytime we talked to anyone about it, we got the same standard advice, “Just enjoy it. They’ll be going to college/getting married/having their own babies/etc, etc. before you know it.”

I know their intentions were good, but in all honesty, I had to keep myself from rolling my eyes whenever someone told me that. Enjoy it? Really?

Let’s face it. When you are running on little to no sleep, holding a baby who has been screaming for hours on end, tried all the tricks in your book to get them to stop, sore in places you’ve never been sore before, and bombarded with some crazy hormones, it’s not enjoyable.

It’s not.

And I wish, so, so badly that someone would have said this to me instead:

“It’s ok.”

It’s ok that you don’t just love being a mom right now.

It’s ok that you kind of like your baby the most when she’s sleeping.

It’s ok to not just be googly eyed over your child when they are screaming their head off at you.

It’s ok that you feel like you need a break.

It’s ok to not be enjoying this particular aspect of parenthood.

I mean, let’s try giving that same “Just enjoy it,” advice to someone in a different circumstance.

What do you think would happen if you went up to a woman, say, in the midst of an extremely painful labor and said to her, “You know, these contractions are working together to bring your precious little baby into the world…so just enjoy it.”

Do we say that? I mean, if we value our lives, do we say that? No! We say, “Keep pushing! The baby’s coming! It will be worth it! You’re almost there!”

But we don’t tell them to enjoy it, because it’s not fun.

I think what people mean when they say that is this:

“This is a time in your life like no other. Your baby will never be this small again. So enjoy those happy, cuddly moments. Drink in your baby when she’s snuggled up asleep on your chest. And when your baby is screaming it’s lungs off? Keep it in perspective. It won’t be like this forever. Before you know it, your baby will be all grown up, so take heart.”

I’m not really sure why I’m telling you all this, except that maybe I know I’m going to need to hear that these next couple of months. There’s a good possibility that this next baby might not be as touchy as Lily. Maybe it will be one of those laid back, go with the flow babies, who knows?

Even so, I’m mentally preparing myself for some bad days. Because there will be bad days.

Days where the baby is crying and Lily is being ornery and I won’t get to take a shower and I’ll maybe even say rash things like, “I’m not ever having any more children ever again,” and poor Dave will just smile and nod and let me cry on his shoulder and offer to take the night shift so I can get some sleep.

So.

Am I looking forward to having a new little baby?

The answer is yes.

And no.

Yes to the snuggles and the little butt curling up on my chest and the first smiles and the sweet smell of baby lotion.

No to the crying and the sleepless nights and the pain and the hormones and did I mention the crying because I’m really not looking forward to that?

But this time…this time I hope to keep things a little more in perspective. And it might just be easier this time around because I have a living, breathing, walking, talking, adorable bundle of proof that this won’t last forever.

So mental note to my future self: Enjoy the good days. Endure the bad. It may not always be fun, and that’s ok but it’s worth it. It really is.

The End.

(Is anyone still reading?)