Blog? What Blog?

I’m in a major blogging funk right now. I have stuff in my head that I want to say, it swirls around and around while I’m cleaning toilets and scrubbing dishes but when I have a chance to sit, breathe, and type it’s all gone.

Sometimes my mind goes blank at the most inconvenient times…and yet, at night, when I’m trying to sleep, it won’t shut off. Anyone else relate?

So maybe this will be a haphazard, random, boring post, but…so be it.

I really kind of missed the boat to talk about Easter but I don’t feel like I can move on without mentioning it. I mean, really, should we ever move on from celebrating the fact that Christ is risen?

On the way to church Sunday morning, I was still in full mother-of-infant-and-toddler tizzy mode, which is to say that my head was swirling with checklists and to do’s.

Pink foofy dresses? Check. Tights and hairbows? Check. Slip under my skirt? Outfits coordinated? Diaper bag, teething ring, baby wipes, purse, Bible? Check check check check check.

And as we drove I tried to just quiet myself and get my brain in the right place, to reflect on what the day was really all about. But my thoughts kept drifting. All week I had been struggling…with this underlying sense of defeat and discouragement.

Not really because of anything in particular, just life in general. I felt…disorganized…disjointed…just…out of whack. Focused on all the imperfections I saw – my house, Lily’s behavior, Sophia’s uncharacteristic fussiness – blaming myself for everything and just so weighed down by the burden of everything I am not.

I felt like a hypocrite going into that church service because I couldn’t shake that feeling of unworthiness.

But…isn’t God so good? Because, of course, that church service was exactly the place I needed to be…to be told that,

“No, indeed, Amy you are not worthy. You are guilty. You are filthy. You are flawed and imperfect. You screw up every day. And if it were up to you,  you’d still be wallowing around in the muck, but that’s the point! That’s why it’s such great news! That’s why Easter is a celebration!”

I know there are churches out there whose aim it is to make people feel good about themselves, but I am here to tell you, I don’t want to go to a church that makes me feel good about myself.

I want to go to a church that makes me feel good about Christ.

I’m not worthy. He is.

I am guilty. He was not.

I deserve punishment. He took it.

I have no power in and of myself to triumph over death. He overcame the grave.

“No guilt in life, no fear in death.”

What a blessing to be able to sit on Sunday and allow my emotions be changed by truth. Not silly platitudes to “pump up my self esteem” and make me feel better about myself, but to remind me where true joy and peace come from.

I have been freed from the power of death. I am in Christ.

My God is not dead…and neither am I.

How can I not wake up rejoicing every single day?

This week has been just as full of hardships and little discouragements. No change in my physical circumstances. But my perspective has been aligned, yet again.

Get your eyes off yourself. Get your eyes on Christ.

That’s what I need to remind myself of the second my alarm clock goes off every morning.