Transitions and Baby Blues and Why the Crying Doesn't Bother Me Anymore

Life with three kids. Oh, friends, it is gloriously difficult! 

Before we had Luke, I remember unofficially polling all my friends with more than two kiddos. What was hardest? I asked. The transition to two or the transition to three? There were a few exceptions, but for the most part everyone said: three is hardest.

You are outnumbered.

You have more kids than you do hands.

And my friends with more than three said: After three, you just get used to the chaos, and what's a couple more? :)

To be honest, I think the hardest transition FOR ME was going from 0 children to one.

When we had Lily, I wasn't used to having a tiny little person who depended on me for everything.

I wasn't used to having my free time not be "mine". (Although I now recognize that my time was NEVER really mine) Sure, I had a husband, but Dave and I pretty much agreed on how we should spend our downtime. Now, suddenly, there was very little downtime at all! 

I wasn't used to living on very little sleep. And if you know me, I need a lot of sleep to function normally! Or at least I USED to need a lot of sleep ;)

I had read tons of books in preparation for parenting, and I knew *theoretically* that there would be lots of diaper changes in a day, and that I would be up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, and that I would be tired, but the difference between knowing those things and actually LIVING those things? Is like the difference between seeing a picture of the Grand Canyon and visiting it in person. You can get a sense for the scope of it, but you'd don't really feel its massive grandeur, the sense that you are dwarfed in comparison to what's in front of you until you've experienced it for yourself.

And that was how I felt. Next to the task of caring for this tiny little human, I was completely dwarfed. Overwhelmed. I remember feeling a sense of panic when we left the hospital - like, wait a second. You actually think we're prepared to take this little person home? Without the nurses? Like, ALL BY OURSELVES? Suddenly, I didn't feel very much like a grownup anymore.

Add to that all the physical changes your body is going through after birth - the crazy hormones and night sweats and milk leaking everywhere and the soreness and the "after pains".

And then the crying. Oh, the crying! Prior to that I had thought that once you fed the baby at night, you'd put them back in the crib and they'd just go back to sleep. And some babies do, I guess, but that wasn't Lily. She cried. A lot. Often for seemingly no reason at all. I actually called the doctor and made an appointment because I was sure there must be something wrong with her. We'd fed her and burped her and changed her and bathed her and cuddled her and nothing stopped the crying. So we went to the doctor. The diagnosis? Fussy baby. Nothing was wrong with her, she just needed to cry.

In addition to all that, looking back after the fact I realized that I was also battling a case of the baby blues. That chapter I had skipped over in my baby books because, "that's not going to happen to me?" Yeah. Should have read it, because if I had I might have realized that post-partum depression doesn't necessarily mean you want to hurt yourself or your baby. I never felt like that. 

But I did feel anxious. I remember getting nervous when nighttime was approaching, like, an actual physical tightening in my chest. 

I felt overwhelmed and incapable to perform simple tasks like giving her a bath or putting her in her carseat. 

I felt like I might never be happy again. Even as I type that, it makes me feel crazy, but the truth is, lots of women experience it, and I think first time mommies with fussy babies are particularly susceptible.

Fortunately, I had a great support system. Dave was a huge help - he was, and still is, a tremendously hands on daddy. My mom received many a tearful phone call pleading for her to "come-help-me-cuz-the-baby-didn't-sleep-at-all-last-night-and-i-can't-make-the-crying-stop!" We had sweet friends and coworkers bringing us meals and offering a listening ear.

So what is the point in writing all this? Well, because its my blog and writing is how I process ;)

But also, because I'm sure there are probably women out there who have experienced or are experiencing what I did and I want them to know: you are normal. It's ok to ask for help if you need it.

And trust me, it's a temporary state. It gets so much better. The first time I got a smile from lily, I felt like my heart would explode with joy.

And, if you're feeling like you don't ever want any more children...I can tell you, it won't necessarily be that hard every time.

Because my second baby? She was so easygoing and laid back, I wanted to have ten more babies.

And now, with our third? He's a lot like his biggest sister in that he fusses a lot, but this time around I've been able to take it all in stride.

Maybe it's because I'm a more experienced mommy and I'm more confident in my abilities.

Maybe it's because I'm better at learning his cries and knowing what to be worried about and what to let go.

Maybe it's because I know how to help him learn to sleep on his own.

Maybe it's because I can look at my beautiful almost six and four year olds and remember that this time is so short and so fleeting and that they get bigger and more independent and self sufficient and they can be POTTY TRAINED! ;)

Maybe it's because we waited so long and went through so much heartache and so many days of holding our breath and wondering if he would really ever make it here ok.

Realistically, it's probably a combination of all of those things mingled in with the grace of God.

All I know is, this time around I have relished in every sweet moment that I rushed through before. The snuggly naps on my chest and the sweet scent of baby lotion and the chubby cheeks and tiny diapers and precious baby grunts and noises.

We are almost six weeks in, and this little guy is already starting to not look so little. 

He's sleeping 6-7 hours most nights and is on a pretty predictable schedule during the day. He's smiling and cooing and just being all around adorable.

And also giving us some pretty hilarious facial expressions.

Transitioning to three hasn't been without its difficulties, but it has been far easier and far more wonderful than I ever expected! More and more I look at our three little people and just think, "This is what I was made to do!" I am beyond grateful that God has called me to this kind of ministry, even with the long hours and the sleepless nights and the days of discipline.

So in answer to the question that you didn't ask ;)

Transitioning to three - crazy wonderful. And yes, I'd do it all another time if the Lord allowed :)