But If Not...

Hello, and happy first Monday of the New Year!

I've been pretty scarce on here lately, and I've been waiting for MONTHS to be able to tell you why. This is a double share for my Facebook friends, but for everyone else...we are expecting! Our fifth baby (two already at home with Jesus) is set to arrive somewhere around June 12.

If you do the math, that puts me right around 17 weeks. We put off announcing it for as long as we could, but my belly has started to betray me:

(Please try to ignore the messy closet. And the cord from my phone charger. And the overall poor quality of this picture. I do not belong in the selfie generation :)

This is BY FAR the earliest my belly has popped. I've already begun to fully embrace the elastic waistband. And I'm desperately in need of some cold weather maternity wear since I've had only summer pregnancies previous to this.

The circumstances surrounding this little babe are kind of crazy.

The thing is, we were most definitely NOT trying to get pregnant.* 

It wasn't that we didn't want another baby. We very much did. I just did not believe I was emotionally ready to handle the heartbreak of another miscarriage.

The night before I took the pregnancy test we were talking about our future and babies. Dave had said he was ready to start trying whenever; I had said...try me in 3 months. I thought we might begin trying in January. After we had gotten more settled in our new home and the craziness of the holiday season was past. Give a little more time for my heart to heal.

I should have learned by now that the timing of our children is not nearly as much in our control as we like to pretend it is.

The next morning before Dave left for work we were praying together and we both prayed specifically for The Lord to guide us and give us wisdom and peace regarding any future children He might give us. We truly had no idea how quickly He would give us an answer in that regard!

Later that morning, I hopped in the shower with babies on the brain and started thinking about how utterly exhausted I had been lately. I had assumed it was due to the crazy pace of our schedule and the fact that we'd just hosted a birthday party for the girls and had Dave's parents visiting from New York. But as I started mentally calculating dates and counting weeks, I realized that there could be an entirely different reason for that exhaustion.

As soon as I got out of the shower, I made sure the girls were occupied with Curious George, locked myself in the bathroom, and took a test. It was positive in all of three seconds.

And I cried.

I just sat holding that test, tears flowing, and all I could manage to pray was, "Lord...please!" Over and over. I knew He could interpret the words my mouth could not articulate.

Please....let this baby live.

Please...let me meet this one.

Please...give life.

I was both thrilled and completely terrified at the same time.

Complicating my feelings was that I wasn't entirely certain if my thyroid levels were stable or not. Amazingly, I had an already scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist for just a couple of days later. She had adjusted my prescription a month earlier and we were set to evaluate whether or not it was sufficient. I was extremely nervous about what the test results would say...and overjoyed to hear that my levels were exactly where they needed to be!

Coincidence? I think not!

Every week since then has been a test of faith. I've already had more doctors appointments than I can keep track of and been poked numerous times with a needle in order to ensure that my hormones are doing what they're supposed to be doing. I have held my breath at every appointment waiting to hear that precious heart beating...and half convinced that we would hear the dreaded sound of silence.

After we told the girls the happy news on Christmas, Lily asked Dave with the sweet innocence of a child, "Daddy...will this baby die, too?"

And we have told her the very thing we have been telling ourselves: 

God knows the number of our days, and He knows the number of this sweet baby's days too. We can trust Him with this baby's life just as we trust Him with ours. The lives of our children are ALWAYS in His hands, whether in the womb or out of it.

We still have a ways to go, but we are almost halfway there! With each day my heart begins to hope a little more that we might actually be able to hold this baby in our arms come June. And yet, I cannot help but remember the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego...when they were forced to choose between bowing to worship another god, or death in a fiery furnace. Their response?

If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not...we will not serve your gods” (Daniel 3:17, 18 ESV)

We know The Lord is perfectly capable of gracing us with a healthy, 40 weeks developed baby...

But if not...

We will still serve Him. 

We will still trust Him.

We will still have hope because we have tasted of His goodness in ways we never deserved.

Yesterday during the worship service I felt the evidence of life fluttering in my belly for the first time, and with it, the flutter of hope in my heart. We will love you, sweet baby, for as many days as God gives you on this earth, and forever after!

*************

*I would just like to note, to my friends who have been or are still struggling with infertility, I know how difficult it can be to hear the news that someone is expecting when you so desperately wish to be, and hearing the admission that someone got pregnant without trying can be especially painful. Please know, it is not my intention to be insensitive. I have shed many tears at pictures of healthy babies born with due dates similar to the ones that mine had and stared wistfully at many a pregnant belly photo on my Facebook feed. I endured what felt like HUNDREDS of doctors appointments post miscarriage where I witnessed happy women with swollen bellies and felt the ache in my empty one. 

The path that The Lord asks us to walk during our child bearing years looks different for each one of us. Some women make it through with relatively few problems. Many, many others encounter hardships that wear many faces. Some receive heartbreaking news of physical and mental defects at their ultrasound, some lose babies before they even have the joy of announcing them, still others labor to deliver babies with no life in them at all. Some have babies born dangerously premature, some have babies who require major surgery when they are only hours old, and some are never able to conceive their children biologically. I have had to pray for God to give me the grace to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. There are probably always going to be people in my life who are free from some of the struggles I face, and there will be people in my life who have struggles I would not ask for. I pray that God can give us all the ability to accept what He has divinely allowed in our lives and see the blessings He provides in the midst of...and very often BECAUSE OF...the pain.

But...if you are in the midst of the pain, please know, I hurt for you. And I would love for the opportunity to pray for you, if you want to privately message me.